Monday, April 6, 2009

Zombiegeddon Suvival Guide: Step 1 - Choosing your Fort

Hey folks, Flint Tinderwood here. Today I'm going to begin laying out the vital information you all will need to survive the inevitable Zombiegeddon. Though Gil may disagree with me on this one (we all know how much he would rather collect his guns as a first step), I believe that the first step to surviving the horde is to choose the place where you intend to hole up and fight the creepy critters from.

Now, Most of you are probably just assuming you're going to use your own home right? Well, you've just become a victim, and now there are tons of Zombies ripping your flesh apart as you die slowly and painfully. You're going to need tons of ammunition, not to mention food, and you're house isn't going to provide you with enough room for this. Plus, you need multiple escape routes in the event that you become overwhelmed, which the average home will not provide you with.

What I propose is the closest two-story mall. I say two-story because it is always best to have the high ground in a fight for your life. Why a mall you ask? Because it gives you everything you need. Malls have food courts, thus they have storage room for food to be kept without the worry of it going bad. Second, resources. Gun stores, cutteries, a simple Claire's can be a huge benefit in Zombiegeddon (a can of hairspray + a lighter = a saving your ass, makeshift flamethrower). One thing to note though is that you want 3 stairwells max. The stairs are where most of your kills are going to come from, as you can funnel them into a confined area where their numbers will mean nothing.

Ultimately, a mall gives you multiple escape routes. Think of all the emergency exits. If you fortify your mall correctly, you should never have to leave it, but in the event that a mistake is made, you want to have options. Well, sorry I couldn't get more in depth for you, but I have to give you some homework, I'm not going to do it all for you. Tonight, I want you all to go out and locate a mall that you think would be a prime spot to make your Zombiegeddon safe-haven. We'll meet back here on Wednesday with our info, and I'll begin telling you exactly how you should begin the fortification process.

And remember, the world has no place for another scared man.


  1. I highly disagree, I believe that in Zombiegeddon people can be gotten through with THE WALMART SUPERCENTER! its not necessarily 2 stories got many aisles to as you said 'funnel' zombies through. Trust me I'm a sole-zombiegeddon survivor. I've survived a plethora of these horrific incidents. Also, I'd like to suggest preparation of other failed experiences such as (Tyrants, Lickers, Nemesis(dont know the plural), Plagas, Crazy Escaped Convicts, Uroboros, etc.) But when it comes down to situations like these, you either wing it or accept your terrible death. In terms of the prime mall of choice, I would have to say Columbia Mall and Arundel Mills. I've chosen these two places due to the fact that the only gun shop I know of(in odenton towards arundel mills from 170). Columbia because it has that proximity of that gunshop and includes 2 stories. Terrible mall choices would be those such as Marley Station(its might as well be a feeding pit for zombies) and Annapolis because, rich people would go there and attract zombies more greatly than the two I've mentioned...As much as I'd love to elaborate, I must first go polish my zombie-tracking skills. Til next time...-static noise-

  2. P.S. anything and everything is a useful weapon...beggers can't be choosers in this cruel world...

  3. Ah, I see that you are a fellow hunter, and devout follower of the Resident Evil series. A Walmart Supercenter with many aisles would not be ideal. Zombies have no sense of their surroundings, only the scent of blood in the air. Now, if a horde of zombies come running through the entrance of the Walmart, knocking all of the fixtures down, you have just created an obstacle course through which you must weave should you become overwhelmed, thus only hurting yourself. Also, multiple aisles allows for multiple entry points to your location; therefore you must cover multiple different areas as opposed to one central area, so you're not really funneling them at all. Trust me on this...force them up a stairwell, where you can stand at a safe distance with your friendly Remington and have a jolly go at them. And yes, anything and everything can be a useful weapon, but the point is to be prepared enough not to have to resort to making anything a weapon. And considering that you will be far outnumbered, you want mid- to long-range weapons. you can't take on thousands of zombies with a kitchen knife. But thanks for the input, and feel free to chime in anytime you feel you can improve upon our ongoing survival guide. When this fateful day comes, we're going to need all the help we can get.

  4. Anything and everything can be a weapon? Really? Okay, POP QUIZ -- HOT SHOT!! How do you kill a zombie with nothing more than a box of tampons, a purple crayon, a pink eraser, and a bad attitude!

    We'll see if you have the makings of a real zombie hunter...

  5. I still believe you can kill a zombie with those you just need resolve! and touché on walmart but I find that I might as well live life on the edge in an apocalypse but you're right we must appeal to all kinds of people who will be faced with this...I will further my research plus exposing oneself to the virus to supposedly gain crazy powers isn't always the best idea lawlz I'll give more feedback in the. Near future

  6. "I still believe you can kill a zombie with those you just need resolve!" = Epic Fail!!!

    You and your resolve are now dead, or worse.

    Get prepared, stay prepared, and never neglect the usefulness of large caliber firearms. And don't get me started on your game deck fantasies, you LARPer! Stick around, you'll definitiely learn something.