Zombie Hunting 101

Some tips for beginning your zombie hunting career from your friends at US Cavalry.

Your Modern-day Mule

Okay, everyone wants to talk about how their going to re-kill reanimated corpses after Z-Day.

A few want to discuss armor to protect you against their skeletal claws and rabid bites. And some may broach the topic of survival rations or medical care.

Amateurs.

None of that means jack-all if you can't be mobile. Because sooner or later you are going to have to resupply. For that, you need something that can take you where you need to go, something that can haul your food, ammo, bandages, and porno magazines back to your fortress of solitude, and something reliable enough to keep going no matter what you hit it with -- or how many undead you hit with it.

You need a Toyota pickup truck -- specifically the Hilux, or the North American equivalent, the Toyota Tacoma.

This is the vehicle of choice of insurgent armies in your finer Third World countries. It's been called the AK-47 of the automotive world. I like to think of it as the perfect zombie truck, because it just doesn't die. Don't believe me? The blokes at the BBC's hit show Top Gear did everything they could think of to kill a Hilux, and it just kept running. It was no shock this was the vehicle they chose to drive to the North Pole.

This thing is so tough, you could probably repair it with the Cold Steel Trench Hawk below!

I know you're probably asking yourself, "What about gas?" Well, as Mad Max can attest, that is a problem and I don't have a great answer for you. Stockpiling gas is problematic. And I expect that access to gasoline is likely to be a prime cause of friction among the human survivors of Z-Day. I'll keep researching the issue and get back to you in a future article.

The Cold Steel Trench Hawk -- Meet Your Lobotomizer!

Gill Mudskipper here! We all know there are times when things get a little up-close and personal with the undead. For that kind of work, you need something tough, reliable, heavy, and pointy. You need a Cold Steel Trench Hawk.

This is an item practically custom made for Zombie Killing. Like traditional tomahawks, it's a two piece construction. There's a steel head, which is attached to a polypropylene shaft, making for a 19-inch long tool. That's a little too close for comfort with the undead -- but on the bright side, it usually only takes one good swipe from this badass to put a deadhead done for the count.

You can use the axe head for utility work and monster slaying. But the bonus is the spikey part on the back -- perfect for penetrating the putrid, over-ripe skulls of the walking dead!

The nice thing about the polypropylene handle is that it is easy to wash after use. Zombie scuzz won't linger in the nooks and crannies like it might with a wood shaft. When you get back to your sanctuary, you can easily disassemble the hawk and disinfect every part.

The Trench Hawk comes with a cool thermoplastic sheath. Again, this is a great safety feature for the Zombie Hunter. You can return the hawk to the sheath after use and the danger of accidentally being nicked by an edge and infecting yourself is reduced. On the other hand, you need to practice to bring the weapon into action quickly. If you need this -- you need it right away!

Need more info? Check out this guy.

Hotties that must be saved: Katy Perry

Oh yeah...

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies

This is the original text of the classic novel by Jane Austen, as restored by Graeme Smith. Generations of young girls and pasty English-major pansies grew up without the gore and carnage the Austen used to depict the soul-numbing life of the English Country Gentry.

Austen used the backdrop of a small zombie incursion to tell her tragicomic tale of mixed-up lovers. Between English sensitivities to the effects of zombie violence upon young women, and the natural inclinations of governments to suppress widespread knowledge of the undead walking among us, most readers assumed this was nothing more than a boring proto-romcom and fodder for dozens of date-movie scripts. Not so!

Here we see Austen's heroes as katana-wielding martial arts masters hellbent on dispatching revenants and saving Merry Old England. Austen even manages to include snippets of the long-standing Shaolin and Ninja blood vendetta. This is the very same feud that would later claim Bruce Lee's life. I give this book 5 severed heads.

Unfortunately, there is some glitch in the shelving system and you will usually find this stacked in the comedy section of your local bookstores. Go figure.

Survival Kits

I first heard about Wildertools.com while reading the usual trade magazines. (In this case: Tactical Knives. Take note Game Deck warriors...) The Bush Kit was the featured item in the article. I have to say the beauty of this survival kit puts the one I cobbled together to shame. This is just gorgeous and is a 21st Century version of gear like they had in Colonial Days. I have no trouble imagining one of Rogers' Rangers carrying this set.

At first, I thought it was awfully expensive at $1100, but then I realized its in Canadian dollars. So with an exchange rate... it's probably, what: $7.50? Okay, maybe not.

While you might not need a beautiful kit like this to survive the blasted ruins of Zombiggeddon, you should have a survival kit handy. Once Z-Day hits, I think everyone will have more important things on their minds than going to work. At least, I will -- Buy More can bite me. I won't be showing for my shift. It won't take long for the infrastructure to break down. An excellent source of intelligence on what will happen is the History Channel series Life After People.

Gil out!

Zombiegeddon Suvival Guide: Step 1 - Choosing your Fort

Hey folks, Flint Tinderwood here. Today I'm going to begin laying out the vital information you all will need to survive the inevitable Zombiegeddon. Though Gil may disagree with me on this one (we all know how much he would rather collect his guns as a first step), I believe that the first step to surviving the horde is to choose the place where you intend to hole up and fight the creepy critters from.

Now, Most of you are probably just assuming you're going to use your own home right? Well, you've just become a victim, and now there are tons of Zombies ripping your flesh apart as you die slowly and painfully. You're going to need tons of ammunition, not to mention food, and you're house isn't going to provide you with enough room for this. Plus, you need multiple escape routes in the event that you become overwhelmed, which the average home will not provide you with.

What I propose is the closest two-story mall. I say two-story because it is always best to have the high ground in a fight for your life. Why a mall you ask? Because it gives you everything you need. Malls have food courts, thus they have storage room for food to be kept without the worry of it going bad. Second, resources. Gun stores, cutteries, a simple Claire's can be a huge benefit in Zombiegeddon (a can of hairspray + a lighter = a saving your ass, makeshift flamethrower). One thing to note though is that you want 3 stairwells max. The stairs are where most of your kills are going to come from, as you can funnel them into a confined area where their numbers will mean nothing.

Ultimately, a mall gives you multiple escape routes. Think of all the emergency exits. If you fortify your mall correctly, you should never have to leave it, but in the event that a mistake is made, you want to have options. Well, sorry I couldn't get more in depth for you, but I have to give you some homework, I'm not going to do it all for you. Tonight, I want you all to go out and locate a mall that you think would be a prime spot to make your Zombiegeddon safe-haven. We'll meet back here on Wednesday with our info, and I'll begin telling you exactly how you should begin the fortification process.

And remember, the world has no place for another scared man.