Zombie Safe Houses

A tip of the hat to the Science Fiction blog, io9, for informing us about the 2010 Architect Southwest Zombie Safe House Design Competition. Unfortunately, that informing came too late for Flint to enter the designs he's been doodling on the napkins on Sunday mornings when we get our coffee and eggs at the diner. (He has a thing for this hot Latina chica.)

You can go to the Zombie Safe House link and vote if you hurry. We dig the Huckleberry (hint hint).

Mythbusting 101: The Utility of Martial Arts

A well-meaning -- but obviously naive -- young friend of mine wears a t-shirt with the logo "Jiu-Jitsu Kills Zombies."

This is dangerously wrong and will get you killed.

Jiu-jitsu is an awesome martial art against mortal opponents, but there is nothing in the arsenal that will handle the Undead menace. Zombies do not feel pain. They do not need air. And they will still keep coming after you on shattered joints.

Worst of all, Jiu-Jitsu requires the expert to close with and grapple the zombie. This is exactly where the zombie wants you: close, where his teeth and claws can do their damage. And let's not forget that this will mean prolonged exposure to the zombie's bodily fluids, which may infect you. We certainly shouldn't forget that getting caught on the ground with a zombie is a recipe for disaster when his friends stumble onto the scene.

I was trapped in a bar once by some dork who talked my ear off about how his Ninjutsu was awesome and most certainly zombie proof. Please. Ninjutsu? This isn't Naruto, you mouth-breather. Smoke bombs and hiding in the trees isn't going to help you one bit against zombies. Although I admit all bets are off if ninjas face off against zombie pirates.

Ninjas may be able to hug tree limbs for hours, but time means nothing to the Undead. They'll just mill about the roots of the tree until your mom calls you home for dinner. And what ninja doesn't still live in his mom's basement?

So what martial art does work against the walking dead? Have you seen the Filipino Martial Arts? Variously called escrima, arnis, or kali, Filipino Martial Arts start the new student using two foot long sticks. But those sticks are representations of -- and soon replaced by -- giant jungle knives! You'll quickly learn moves that will help you lop off limbs, eviscerate corpses so they trip over their own guts, and stop 'em cold with decapitations or bisected brains.

Going hand-to-hand with the shambling hordes is unwise. Wrestling around with them is suicidal. Unless you're Chuck Norris, I strongly advise you to use weapons and learn to use them correctly.

Basic Necessities: The MForgery

Gil Mudskipper checking in with y'all again.

It occurred to Flint and me that we hadn't really said this: You need a rifle. And you need a good rifle.

So we both heartily recommend an MForgery. That's right, you should get some make of the AR15 carbine. This is the same weapon that has soldiered with our finest fighting forces since Vietnam. And today, you can custom build a Black Rifle in countless combinations.

Parts are everywhere. And although ammo is a little expensive since the government is using it up at a prodigious rate killing terrorists on your behalf overseas, I expect that .223 and 5.56mm ammo will be relatively easy to come by in the aftermath of the rise of the walking dead. It's in use with just about every police department and federal law enforcement or military service around.

Same for spare parts. These things should be practically littering the streets following the first attempts of the government to stem the rising tide of brain-eaters.

You should try to stockpile some key spares in advance, like firing pins and extra magazines. Like the spiffy PMAGS from Magpul. Sweet. Investing in optics can't hurt either. Remember, it's a lot easier to score head shots in video games than real life. Putting the red dot over the shambler's forehead makes it easy for you to be sure.

You just need to keep your rifle clean after every use and it will serve you reliably.

Some people will advocate for the AK47. That's a mighty fine weapon too. But it was made by communists, son. And the only thing worse than a communist is a zombie. And only by a little. After all, both are godless beings.

Still, beggars can't be choosers, and if your budget or circumstances only permit you to have an AK47, there are worse things. After all, it's not the AK47's fault it was designed by an atheist communist. It -- like you, zombie hunter -- is merely a blunt instrument.

Simulation Training

You can use the "Organ Trail" training simulator to enhance your Zombie Survival skills.

Based on the ancient, but immensely popular, "Oregon Trail" game.

Zombie Hunting 101

Some tips for beginning your zombie hunting career from your friends at US Cavalry.

Your Modern-day Mule

Okay, everyone wants to talk about how their going to re-kill reanimated corpses after Z-Day.

A few want to discuss armor to protect you against their skeletal claws and rabid bites. And some may broach the topic of survival rations or medical care.

Amateurs.

None of that means jack-all if you can't be mobile. Because sooner or later you are going to have to resupply. For that, you need something that can take you where you need to go, something that can haul your food, ammo, bandages, and porno magazines back to your fortress of solitude, and something reliable enough to keep going no matter what you hit it with -- or how many undead you hit with it.

You need a Toyota pickup truck -- specifically the Hilux, or the North American equivalent, the Toyota Tacoma.

This is the vehicle of choice of insurgent armies in your finer Third World countries. It's been called the AK-47 of the automotive world. I like to think of it as the perfect zombie truck, because it just doesn't die. Don't believe me? The blokes at the BBC's hit show Top Gear did everything they could think of to kill a Hilux, and it just kept running. It was no shock this was the vehicle they chose to drive to the North Pole.

This thing is so tough, you could probably repair it with the Cold Steel Trench Hawk below!

I know you're probably asking yourself, "What about gas?" Well, as Mad Max can attest, that is a problem and I don't have a great answer for you. Stockpiling gas is problematic. And I expect that access to gasoline is likely to be a prime cause of friction among the human survivors of Z-Day. I'll keep researching the issue and get back to you in a future article.

The Cold Steel Trench Hawk -- Meet Your Lobotomizer!

Gill Mudskipper here! We all know there are times when things get a little up-close and personal with the undead. For that kind of work, you need something tough, reliable, heavy, and pointy. You need a Cold Steel Trench Hawk.

This is an item practically custom made for Zombie Killing. Like traditional tomahawks, it's a two piece construction. There's a steel head, which is attached to a polypropylene shaft, making for a 19-inch long tool. That's a little too close for comfort with the undead -- but on the bright side, it usually only takes one good swipe from this badass to put a deadhead done for the count.

You can use the axe head for utility work and monster slaying. But the bonus is the spikey part on the back -- perfect for penetrating the putrid, over-ripe skulls of the walking dead!

The nice thing about the polypropylene handle is that it is easy to wash after use. Zombie scuzz won't linger in the nooks and crannies like it might with a wood shaft. When you get back to your sanctuary, you can easily disassemble the hawk and disinfect every part.

The Trench Hawk comes with a cool thermoplastic sheath. Again, this is a great safety feature for the Zombie Hunter. You can return the hawk to the sheath after use and the danger of accidentally being nicked by an edge and infecting yourself is reduced. On the other hand, you need to practice to bring the weapon into action quickly. If you need this -- you need it right away!

Need more info? Check out this guy.